I Don’t Care That USA Lost To Canada and Finland And Neither Should You Boston Bruins Fans


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People are all fired up that America didn’t medal in hockey at the Olympics. I’m here to tell you that I could care less and neither should you.

We watched the semifinal against Canada from the Hangar in Amherst. Obviously, I wanted America to win. But after the final buzzer sounded and we lost, you would’ve thought we lost to Nazi Germany:

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Yea sorry, but there’s just no way this lady cares that much. It’s just not possible to have that much riding on a meaningless hockey game. I watched all six hockey matches America played in, and I developed ZERO emotional attachment to them whatsoever. I wanted them to win, but I really could care less if they did. If they had won the gold, it would’ve been cool, but I certainly wouldn’t have to call out of work sick the next day.

So basically everyone at the Hanger looked like this. I wanted to throw blue cheese all over them and laugh. They’re the worst. They’ve been convinced that Team USA is a real team that they have to live and die for. It’s not. The concept of Olympic Hockey, is a lot like Olympic Basketball. They don’t belong in the Olympics.

The Olympics is for events that people can’t watch on the regular. We only watch bobsledding, luge, ski jump, or any of this other crap, two years after the real Olympics. It’s how we make Switzerland and Austria feel like real countries that matter.

Basketball and hockey are great sports that we watch every single year. We become attached to our local teams (unless you’re one of those “bro I’ve always loved the Tarheels, Yankees, and Heat” morons). Do you understand how impossible it is to root for a Canadien, never mind Max Pacioretty? How can I, in good faith, favor a guy who pretended to have a concussion, and wanted Zdeno Chara arrested because he checked him too hard, over Patrice freaking Bergeron?

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Please, answer that question for me. No Bruins fan in good faith good do that. I’ve actually grown to respect Phil Kessel, but I’ll always root against him. And Patrick Kane, as much as I enjoy his game, JUST beat the Bruins in the Stanley Cup last year. You can’t possibly justify being a diehard Bruins fan and giving a shit about Team USA. It’s impossible.

So why do people care so much? Because they have to. We’ve kind of been told by ass hat sites like Barstoolsports that this was some traumatizing event. For instance, their worst blogger by far at Barstool is Maurice. If you like extremely unfunny, predictable blogs about nothing, then you’ll like his work a lot. This was his entire take after the game:

“Christ. Not sure how we’re gonna do it but America has gotta start getting our shit together. Step one — drinking and pretending the loss doesn’t bother us. Ready? GO.”

Why do people read this drivel again? That’s a whole blog right there? Ya see, you’re supposed to be really devastated by this and get really drunk man!!! That’s the only way to get over this devastating loss. That’s what BROS do BRO!!! High five!!!

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And you know what mattered even less than losing to Canada? Losing to Finland in the bronze medal game. I’m glad they lost that one. The entire concept of a bronze medal is just a way for losers to feel better about themselves. I can understand why they have three medals in individual events. Each country has more than one representative, and you’re competing for an individual award.

In a team game though, there’s only one winner, and if you’re not first, you’re last. I’m glad the Americans tanked in the bronze medal game. I’m glad Tuukka Rask got some work in before coming back and playing for something that actually matters – a Stanley Cup. Ya see, only one of the 30 NHL teams gets the Cup. There’s no silver and bronze Stanley Cup. There’s just the Stanley Cup. Did the Bruins parade their runner up cup in duck boats last year? Nope. Because they failed to accomplish their goal.

The last thing I’m gonna say is this – the NHL has no business allowing their players to play in the Olympics. Shutting down a major sporting league to play in these “games” is a joke. The fact that New York Islanders All-Star John Tavares isn’t playing the rest of the season because he got hurt in this meaningless exhibition, is a slap in the face to the five people who own season tickets for the Islanders. Yes, they’re a sucky team, but he’s the only reason people buy tickets to go to their crap happy arena on Long Island. Now they have to pay him and they get absolutely nothing in return. Why NHL owners ever agreed to this in the first place is mind boggling.

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Amateur hockey would be sooooo much better for all of us. Like 90% of the world’s greatest hockey players play in the NHL. Eighteen to 21 year old kids have major talent, but they’re not NHL ready yet (for the most part). It would affect all countries pretty equally. Russia would have a slight advantage because they’d still let KHL players play, but that hasn’t stopped us from beating them before. I for one, would rather be introduced to the future of the NHL every four years, and actually follow a team I could get behind, instead of Pacioretty, Kessel, and Blake freaking Wheeler.

So chill out Americans, it’s all good. We don’t need the Americans to win the gold medal. We just need the Bruins to win the Stanley Cup again. Good news for us though from the Olympics – a Claude Julien coached Canadian team COMPLETELY shut down the top scoring team in the tournament (USA), who of course was coached by Penguins coach Dan Bylsma. Sound familiar?

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Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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