The 7-1 facializing that Germany just gave Brazil gives me new hope for soccer. Why? Because no one saw that one coming. I thought Germany would win, but I figured it would be in standard 1-0 fashion. This is a team that tied Ghana. Ghana!! And Brazil just beat the snot out of a Colombia team who until that point looked unstoppable. Even Pele is now denying his heritage:
Look, it’s pretty clear that this is the most emasculating performance in the history of sports. Some others come close. The Soviets choking against American hockey in 1980 was an epic fail, but at least that was close. The Yankees blowing a 3-0 lead to the Red Sox was bad, but at least they were up 3-0. The only thing I can really compare it to is the Super Bowl that just happened. But those teams weren’t fair in retrospect.
This game though? No excuse. Brazil was obviously good enough to beat Germany and they literally gave up. You know who this would never happen to? America. Because we might lose to you, but we’re going down swinging. When these assholes realized they had no shot they obviously stopped trying. Like, zero fucks were given by every dingleberry in a Brazil uniform yesterday. It’s really, really hard to score in soccer. No one should every score seven goals in a game that doesn’t involve North Korea.
So what we’ve got now is Germany against the winner of the Netherlands and Argentina. The Dutch are a slight underdog in this one, but there has yet to be one single upset in this tournament (Germany was a slight favorite yesterday). This ends today. I like the Netherlands to win and win the whole thing.
Either way we’ll get plenty of good historical jokes out of this. Germany will either play a team that hid Jews from Germans, or a country that continues to hide Germans from Jews. No matter what happens there will be plenty of jokes, just like yesterday when Twitter and Facebook were littered with 1940 references. Did anyone Nazi that one coming? Poland was more prepared in 1939 than Brazil was yesterday. Hell, even France held out longer than Brazil did yesterday. I’ve seen better defense at the Maginot Line!!
Here’s Turtleboy’s top historical/cultural references for the game:
1. Where are the feminists? Shouldn’t they be yelling at Germany for perpetuating rape culture?
2. I guess in Germany this will be referred to as the semi-final solution.
3. Giselle really is the angel of death.
4. The only way Germany could’ve lost that game is if they got too greedy and opened up a second front in Russia.
5. The last time Germany had this much fun 60 million people died.
6. I haven’t seen someone give everything away to Germany like this since Neville Chamberlain.
7. I haven’t seen a national team get drilled this hard since they figured out how to use Tinder in the Olympic village.
8. Everyone in Brazil relax, your girlfriends all still look like this:
9. Here’s what Miami Heat fans did during the game:
10. Brazil had no shot from the beginning. Obviously they were cursed:
Brazil’s fans had the best reactions to them losing too. I honestly thought they’d just stop watching since their team decided not to show up at all. But instead they just sat there the whole game, and cried
And I don’t have any proof of this, but I’m pretty sure this kid’s parents said they wouldn’t go through with their divorce if Brazil won the World Cup:
Don’t worry kid, you’ll get to see Daddy on the weekends.
The saddest of all the fans seems to be this guy:
He looks like Elian Gonzalez’s uncle holding onto sweet delicious freedom right before federal agents opened up the closet and sent his nephew back to his commie dad in Cuba:
Pretty sure we saw that guy at the Super Bowl too…
The internet was on fire yesterday with some fantastic memes. Here are the winners, starting with Brazil honoring their injured star Neymar before the match started:
Watching Neymar beg for mercy from the sidelines:
Brazil’s new sponsor:
American History X references:
Even German Chancellor Angela Merkel was getting in on the action:
Couldn’t have happened to a team that deserved to lose more. This team re-wrote the manual on diving in the 2014 World Cup. They obviously were looking forward to the next game and thought they were a lot better than they were. And most importantly we now know through the transitive property of equality that the USA is better than Brazil.
So we’ll see who the Germans get in the Finals. Our pick from day one was been a Germany-Netherlands final, with Holland giving Germany a Dutch oven for their first World Cup title.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going