So when I first started writing this blog Ray Rice was still a member of the Baltimore Ravens. The recent announcement that he was released today kind of screwed up my rant, but I can still work with it. Anyway in case you’ve been living in a burrow in the ground for the past few months, the NFL has a pretty bad image problem. They’re suspending guys for crazy amounts of games left and right for smoking weed and taking some Molly at the Kentucky Derby. But when images of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé out of an Atlantic City elevator were released a few months back, the NFL responded by giving a Johnny Manziel-esque suspension of two games.
But until today the public hasn’t been able to see the tape of what happened INSIDE that elevator (as if we had to). So here it is if you haven’t seen it yet:
I don’t know about you, but the first thing I thought after watching that was, “Thank God he wasn’t SMOKING POT!!!” Because obviously nothing is worse than SMOKING POT!!
Before I got off on a rant here, I just wanna say that everyone who’s all up in arms about this today is a fraud or else your brain is filled with Ramen noodles. Everywhere I look people can’t believe what they saw on that video. Ummmmm, what the hell did you THINK happened in that elevator? You already saw her being dragged unconscious out of the elevator. How exactly did you think that happened? Did the same person who slipped Wes Welker a Molly, hit her with a lead pipe in the elevator when Ray Rice wasn’t looking?
It’s kind of redundant at this point, but the NFL’s policy on suspensions might as well be written by The Onion. Justin Blackmon and Josh Gordon are out for the entire season for being pothead morons. Meanwhile we have Colts owner Jim Irsay, who apparently is the NFL’s version of Walter White, driving around all jammed up with suitcases full of cash and drugs in his car, and he gets a six game suspension from a sport he DOESN’T PLAY!! And then of course Rice’s two game suspension was the capper.
Don’t let the NFL or the Ravens fool you though. They’re not noble at all for cutting him and suspending him the rest of the season. They are frauds for several reasons. First of all, if you think the NFL hadn’t seen this tape until now then you better hurry up and put in an offer my world famous Nantucket horse ranch. We’re talking about a league that could probably find out where Jimmy Hoffa’s body is – a league that’s worth billions and billions of dollars. Me thinks they could’ve coerced some loser casino in Atlantic City to give them a stupid videotape.
But more importantly they come across as even bigger frauds for suspending him for the season. Because what has really changed since this tape came out? Are we to believe that Roger Goodell was genuinely shocked by what he saw on that tape (a tape he is almost guaranteed to have already seen)? How did Roger Goodell and John Harbaugh think his fiancé’s body got like that? Please, for the love of God someone explain that to me.
But hey, I’m so glad that during the offseason the NFL tackled the REAL ISSUES – touchdown celebrations!!!
Because who has time to deal with battered women when there are millionaires dunking footballs over a goal post, saluting the flag, spinning the ball, and doing a sack lunch dance? Priorities people. Priorities.
Anyway, is there a more disgraceful organization in football than the Ravens? Last months we talked about which team you hated the most in the NFL. I was in the solid minority when I said Baltimore. Shit like this is why. They employ savages. It’s what they do. Ray Lewis has murdered at least four or five people. This is definitely NOT the first time Ray Rice has beaten the shit out of his wife. Oh yea, and remember when Ravens fans gave Ray Rice a standing ovation when he came to practice for the first time last month?
Or when the Ravens brought out his wife and made her apologize for antagonizing for Ray?
And remember when Terrell Suggs couldn’t stop talking about what a classless organization the Patriots are:
“There’s 32 teams in the NFL. I guarantee the other 31 hate the New England Patriots. It ain’t just me.”
Coming from a team that protected and enabled a wife beater, we’ll take that as a compliment. Hey dooshnozzle Mcgee, you know why we’re better than you? Because we take out the trash in Foxboro. In 1996 the Patriots drafted a lineman named Christian Peter out of Nebraska. Afterwards it was discovered that he had raped half of Omaha. What did the Patriots do? Immediately cut him, no questions asked. Because that’s what you do to professional assholes. You don’t enable them like the Ravens and Penn State.
Oh yea, and did I mention that Aaron Hernandez wasn’t allowed anywhere near Gillette Stadium after he became a SUSPECT in Odin Lloyd’s murder? And then the second he was arrested – BOOM – see ya later dickweed. And if you think for one second that Ray Rice is even close to being as good of a football player as Hernandez was, then I want what you’re smoking. The Patriots cut an unbelievably explosive WR/TE in the prime of his career. The Ravens cut a fat running back who is coming off the worst year of his career.
So obviously we’re all on the same page with this story right? We can all agree that cutting Ray Rice was a no-brainer right? We can all agree that this is by far the biggest boner Roger Goodell has pulled as commissioner right? Wait, what’s that? You’re telling me that dingleberry Ravens fans out there feel otherwise and aren’t afraid to put their name to it? Awesome. Let’s do what we do best at Turtleboy Sports and find out who these nudniks are saying on the Baltimore Sun’s Facebook page.
So let me get this straight Pattiann. It’s not domestic violence because he only cold-clocked her in the grill ONCE? Oh yea, that makes TONS of sense. Apparently we are all allowed one mulligan in which we can punch women in the face because this is called a “mistake.” I’m still waiting for a reply from her as to who these other NFL players are with 10 reported rapes and a few murders sprinkled in there for fun. I love Nancy Wyman’s comment sprinkled in there too. It wasn’t Ray Rice that knocked her out. It was the elevator railing she nailed her head on after getting punched in the face by Ray Rice. But where are all you hypocrites blaming the railing!!! The railing is a getting a free ride as usual!!! Thanks Obama!!!
Alright, first of all Pattiann Harris’ profile picture is this:
Now as I’ve said before, I refuse to rush to judgement on what happened in Ferguson MO. I don’t know if Darren Wilson was justified in shooting Michael Brown or not, because I wasn’t there. But anyone who chooses to use this as their profile picture is most likely a giant asshole. Commemorating the day a cop shot an 18 year old, basically tells me that you go out of your way to look for fights just for the fuck of it.
Close your eyes and imagine what Pattiann Harris looks like. Now open them:
Yup. Pretty much exactly what I expected. A woman holding one of her many pet birds and her Ravens teddy bear while wearing her XXL Ravens sweatshirt. We can’t see her pants, but I will bet you a million dollars she’s wearing gray Champion sweatpants. These people have Penn State syndrome obviously. They’re willing to look past disgusting crimes because…..FOOTBALL!!!
Then these two chimed in:
I’m sorry, your name is “Dway Dates?” Yea, there’s no way you can’t be an asshole if your name is Dway Dates. So let me get this straight “Dway.” It was OK if the NFL had punished him earlier. But it’s not OK now that this video has gone viral. Yea, you’d do well working in PR. And how will the Ravens ever survive without Mike Frankowski rooting them on? Because he has a strict policy of ONLY supporting guys who beat the shit out of their wives. What a disgrace the Ravens are for caving to public pressure like this. All you hippies who think it’s wrong to beat up women are the REAL problem here!!
Not surprisingly this was Dway’s last profile picture:
Then this guy chimed in:
Actually Turtleboy Sports was talking about the fraudulence of the other Harbaugh brother for not suspending Ray McDonald last week. But yea, really solid defense of Ray Rice. The Ravens are cowards because of their “woo hoo as me mentality.” Whatever that means. And I’m sure his opinions about domestic violence aren’t at all clouded by the fact that he’s a yahoo Ravens fan who doesn’t wanna see the starting running back lost for the season:
Surprisingly it seems that most people siding with Ray Rice are women. Turtleboy Sports is a feminist family blog, so we don’t get the girl on girl hate that’s going on here. Like our sister Bonnie McCormack:
LOL. People make her sick. Especially the ones who act like they would never punch a woman in the face and drag her unconscious body out an elevator. Hey, SHE STARTED IT!!! All you perfect ass people who have never knocked a woman out are all sitting on your high horses casting judgement. What gives you the right? Just because you never beat the shit out of a woman before? Aren’t you just the cat’s ass!!!
Sorry but anyone who thinks Ray Rice was justified for knocking her the fuck out because she had a bitch fit in the elevator is a fuckstick. Flipping out is what hot women with nice asses in cocktail dresses do. It comes with the territory. Don’t like it? Don’t marry a how woman with a nice ass who wears cocktail dresses.
Look Bonnie, I understand when you were growing up it was normal for the man of the house to assert his authority with a backhand to the face. But this isn’t the 70’s anymore. We treat women with “respect” now. I wonder if her misguided opinion has anything to do with who her favorite football team is:
Nah, that can’t be it.
Finally my girl Kisha D. Griffin chimed in with some hot Baltimore takes:
So let me get this straight. The only people who get arrested for beating the shit out of their wives and girlfriends, are celebrities? Regular folk can beat their wives until the cows come home? And I’m sorry, but I am the only one who DOESN’T know someone who abuses their wife? Is this something that regular Joe’s like myself are supposed to do? Because I don’t think I can go through with that. I love me some Mrs. Turtleboy. And when she throws a BF (bitch fit), that’s when I come through with “the chop.” I’ve explained it before and I’ll explain it again. You just make a downward motion with your arm that separates you from her, thus creating an imaginary wall that her words cannot penetrate. It renders domestic violence unnecessary. Ray Rice should give that one a try after he reads this (which he obviously will since the TBSports revolution is scorching through America right now). Guess which Raven our girl Kisha had for a profile picture:
Ding, ding, ding!! Everyone’s favorite murderer and two time Super Bowl Champion!! But hey, who hasn’t murdered someone ONCE, right Kish? We all know SOMEONE who’s dumped a bunch of evidence from a homicide.
One thing is clear from seeing the reactions of Ravens fans – these people are no better than the lemmings from Penn State who whined when they found out that the punishment for letting one of their coaches rape a bunch of boys was that they’d have to miss (gasp) BOWL GAMES!!!
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.