Election season is coming up, and normally we don’t get too political here at Turtleboy Sports. Not our thing. But that all changed today when we found the greatest candidate for any office in the history of the United States of America. His name is Afred Dente, and he is running for governor of Rhode Island as a write-in candidate. He is also the greatest American to ever live. Here is his platform:
So many important things there. The only thing I disagree with him on is having Creed open up for “Arrow Smith.” If you like Creed or Nickelback then you should do society a favor and just kill yourself. Other than that I’m all about the ostrich racing, lack of traffic and potholes, expensive dogs, $10 an hour salary for governor, and the banishment of his fat ex-wife to Connecticut. Even people in Rhode Island realize that Connecticut is where the rest of New England sends it’s biggest assholes.
Well the primary election was coming up and he had a message for voters:
Yea, vote for Al Dente, or stay home and do nothing. Either one is fine. Because everyone knows a primary election is just a practice vote. I think.
Another pressing issue for the voters of Rhode Island is of course the never ending debate over Clam Chowder. Rhode Island makes the best clam chowder, so why do we call it “New England” clam chowder? They don’t make that shit in Vermont do they? Don’t worry, Al Dente is on the right side of that issue:
Oh yea, and you know that Manhattan clam chowder stuff? You won’t be seeing any of that weak sauce in the Ocean State once Big Al is in office:
“Chowder should be just like my fat ass – creamy and white.” This might be the greatest line ever spoken in the history of the world. Alfred Dente just won politics forever. God bless you Al Dente.
I think all Americans can agree with his proposals on welfare:
The man is a genius. Send all the welfare leeches to any state of their choosing. Free ticket. How much you wanna bet they all end up up in Massachusetts? You win this round Al Dente!!
Big Al is also a big fan of dogs, he just hates people with those little dogs that sit on your lap and bark a lot. Luckily he has a solution for this pressing issue:
Safe to say that dogs everywhere will be supporting Alfred Dente for RI governor:
And all you kids who are forced to hide in the woods and drink warm Rolling Rock out of a keg will be happy to know that you will no longer have to hide like a common criminal, because he’s changing the drinking age to….
14!!! I mean, why not? He started drinking when he was 14 and he’s two months away from being governor of Rhode Island!! And all you 9 year olds out there who can’t buy cigarettes because of dumbass laws won’t have to bum smokes off your parents anymore, because you only have to be 8 to buy tobacco now. Everyone knows that 7 year olds just aren’t ready for that yet. And don’t worry about drunk 14 year olds driving all around the place – Alfred Dente will make sure there will be sobriety checkpoints at EVERY neighborhood playground.
Alfred Dente seems to be a libertarian who believes in personal freedoms. Just don’t abuse them or he’s gonna kick your ass!!
Watch out you drunks – Al Dente might not be able to send you to the electric chair, but he will bash your head in with a mallet. Can’t you people just get drunk, ride around on a tractor, and barrel into your mailbox like a responsible American? Hold that thought – Al’s TV dinner is ready to be demolished.
As a libertarian he is a strong proponent of the second amendment. And he’s sick and tired of discrimination against blind people who wanna exercise their God-given right to purchase a firearm:
I don’t think I wanna live in a state where blind people can’t own guns. It’s un-American.
Now you might be saying, “How can I vote for Al Dente? What experience does he have?” Simple answer my friend:
Best campaign slogan ever.
Wait, scratch that. It turns out he already has a campaign slogan, and it is glorious:
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
What about crime? What’s his plan to clean up the streets?
Why didn’t someone come up with this idea a long time ago? Just cordon off an area of the state where people can shoot each other freely. Have a ball gangsters – knock yourselves out. His name is Alfred Dente. He saves children.
And I know what you’re thinking – Al Dente likes to drink a lot. Won’t he be missing a lot of work?
Dedication over education. I’m not even sure what that means exactly, but I like it. Plus $350 a week for the governor is a steal for taxpayers, especially when they have a governor who is never misses a beat despite being well over the legal limit. I mean, Toronto is still a functional city with Rob Ford as governor right?
And what’s up with Chik Fil-A not being open on Sundays? Is ANY politician out there gonna bring that up?
God bless your soul Al Dente. You sir are a man among boys. Because just like Al, my favorite part of the Bible is when Jesus starts stuffing fried chicken down his gullet. Luke 3:16.
And what blue blooded American out there doesn’t agree with this stance?
GFQ Al Dente. G-F-Q.
And if you’re as sick as I am of all these women on Facebook who think they’re models, then you need to jump on board the Al Dente train:
Thank God there is SOME candidate out there who’s not afraid to say the truth!!
One thing we know for sure is this – Al Dente is a sex machine:
-1? Who made this test? Obviously this was the work of some pansy ass liberal who likes to ride around with small dogs on their lap and thinks ten year olds shouldn’t be able to smoke. Because I don’t know if I know any women who wouldn’t be all aboard the Al Dente train when it comes to station!!
You know who probably sabotaged that test? His asshole ex-wife!!
Yea he would never post about his ex-wife and the computer “repear man,” except for this post about his ex wife and the computer “repear man.” Love his line about performing in bed too – “I can sleep all fucking day!!” What an absolute gem Alfred Dente is.
Be warned though – do NOT challenge Al Dente to the ALS ice bucket challenge:
I do have to admit that although I disagree with his stance on the ice bucket challenge, it would be by far the greatest ice bucket challenge I’ve seen if someone dumped gasoline on themselves and then lit themselves on fire.
Unfortunately for Big Al they won’t let him in on the debates:
I would pay good money to watch Alfred Dente parachute into a debate with a RI flag as a cape. Wouldn’t you? He has a message for all those other candidates too:
Take THAT Chuck Fung!!!
If you wanna help out on Al Dente’s campaign here’s what you need to do:
I don’t know if I feel comfortable with a governor who DOESN’T wake up every morning to a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and coffee combo.
Where can you sign up to help Al Dente become the next governor of RI?
At an all you can eat buffet of course. No crab legs though. When Obama came to Massachusetts a couple months back he went to a $32,000 plate fundraiser in Weston. Fuck that. I’d much rather go to an $8.99 all you can eat buffet with Alfred Dente!!
I don’t know about you all, but I can’t wait to watch what happens WHEN, not IF he wins:
I wanna see all these anti-Dentite ads he’s talking about. Because I’m sure the political establishment considers this guy the biggest political threat they’ve ever seen. God knows how much has been spent by his enemies smearing his good name. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t wait for the day when Al Dente slashes their throats with a Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottle, smears his opponents blood on his face, and climbs to the top of the “Johnstin” dump to proclaim his throne as governor of the great state of Rhode Island!!
Oh yea, and Alfred Dente supports the troops in case you were wondering:
Thank God. I hate raw fish. Suck on THAT you Japaknees bastards!!
And if you don’t know how to vote for a write in candidate Al Dente can help you out with that:
What’s funny about this is that Al Dente sounds like 95% of the people who post on the Telegram’s comments section. Watch out all you FAT CAT POLITICAL SLUT UNION TRAMPS!!!
Quite frankly, I don’t trust a man that doesn’t write in all caps:
And I NEED one of these t-shirts STAT:
So after finding out about Big Al we reached out to him for an exclusive interview about his campaign. Here’s how it went down…
TBS: When did you decide to run for governor?
AD: I THINK IT WAS JANUARY OR SOMETHING I DONT REMEMVER THE SOECIFICKS (specifics)
TBS: Did you try to get on the ballot?
AD: IS THE POPE FUCKIN CATHLIC!? YEA I TRYED. I TRYED WITH MY HOLE HARTE AND SOUL!!!!
TBS: How come they wouldn’t let you on?
AD: NOT ENUFF SUPORT- LIKE A BAD FUCKIN BRA!!!
TBS: What made you decide to run?
AD: THIS STATE NEEDS SOME FUCKIN COMMUN SENCE!!! ALL THESE POLITCAL SLUTS TAKING MONEY AND DOING THE WRONG THINGS TO OUR STATE!!! I AM GOING TO FUCK THIS STATE BACK TO NORMAL. MY MOM IS IN HEAVIN AND SHE ISPROUD OF ME.
TBS: Well we’re proud of you too. Are you really willing to work for 350 a week?
AD: YES!!!!!! 10 DOLARS A HOUR- NONE HIGHER. I AM DOING THIS TO SERVE- NOT TO GET RICH!!!!
TBS: Do you think President Obama is doing a good or bad job?
AD: STEAM IS COMING OUT OF MY FUCKING EARS!!!! OBAMA- HE SUCKS- YEA YEA YEA WE ALL HEARD IT BEFORE- I DONT GIVE A SHORT FAT FUCK ABOUT THE STATE OF YHE USA AT THIS POINT IN TIME. IM HEAR TO SAVE RHODE ISLAND
AD: I HAVE TO SHIT. AND MY COMPUTER DOES NOT REACH THE TOILET. SO I WILL TALK TO YOU IN A FEW.
TBS: Awesome. Here at Turtleboy Sports most of our readers are taking monster dumps too.
AD: GOOD. DONT WIPE TO HARD OR BLOOD GETS ON THE PAPER.
TBS: Good advice. Have you raised any money for your campaign? What have you done for campaign work? Do you have any volunteers working for you?
(20 minutes later)
TBS: You still dumping?
AD: I GIVE EVERY BUMPER STICKER FOR MY XANPANE FOR FREE!!! NO MONEY ACEPTED FROM NOBODY NOWHERE.
TBS: Thank you for your time and best of luck with your campaign. You have the full support of the Turtleboy Spots revolution. Come ride the turtle next time you’re in Worcester.
And just in case anyone thinks this interview wasn’t real….
So there you have it folks. The greatest candidate for office who has ever lived. A legend in our own backyard. If Alfred Dente isn’t the next governor of Rhode Island then our country is completely fucked.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.