The Big E: Cesspool Of Morons With Infomercials, Fried Dough, And Goat Shit


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Do you like paying $15 for the privilege of walking around smelling goat shit while having people try to sell you shit you don’t want or need? If so, then you’ll love the Big E!!!

A few years back Mrs. Turtleboy dragged me to this God-forsaken spectacle in West Springfield. It was easily in the Top 5 worst days of my life. I told her never again. First of all, she didn’t even like it. I know she didn’t. No one could possibly have fun at the Big E. But she wanted to go again this year because every time she goes on Facebook or Instagram she sees one of my jackass friends at the Big E with his wife and she says it’s “not fair.”

I reminded her how much last time we went sucked. I told her that all it was was a gigantic infomercial with fried dough. I pointed out that the traffic is worse than Gillette Stadium, and you have to pay some asshole $20 to park on their front lawn. I pointed out that we got stuck in traffic in Warren for an hour on the way home.

But none of that mattered because of this picture:

 

One of my goon friends at the Big E with the UMass basketball team. This picture completely fucked me over. Mrs. Turtleboy is easily the biggest female UMass basketball fan in the United States. You couple that with the fact that one of my boob friends got dragged there by his wife, and I was completely cornered. So I made a deal. I will go if I can actively build a blog the whole time. She agreed. And so our journey began.

The trip got off to a rocky start. iPhones are an amazing tool and I use the maps on there pretty much every time I leave Worcester. But every once in a while they fuck you over. I entered “Big E” into the phone, it gave me the pin, I hit the button for directions, and it gave me the route. So we started driving, and an hour later we were there!!!

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WTF? The Big E has changed a lot since the last time I was there. Apparently it’s inside Agawam High School now? Damn you Siri!!!

So finally we got to the Big E and we had to turn back and head to Agawam because every fucking lot in West Springfield said this:

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You know who was loving that? This fucking lady with the red flag:

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Why? Because she bought this house in Agawam specifically for this three week period of the year when hundreds of thousands of morons flock to this shit show and she can make bank while people tear the shit out of her yard. All you need to know about these people is that they bought a house specifically so people could drive on it for an outrageous fee for three weeks in September. You have to give these peoples money. It’s the worst feeling.

Anyway as you start crossing the river back into West Springfield the first asshat I saw was some dude in a skirt:

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Yup. It was gonna be a long, long day.

So you pay the $30 for this hot date, and what do you get for it? You get the privilege of walking around and seeing one fried dough stand

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after another

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after another

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after another

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It literally came to the point where we thought that we were walking in circles. But we weren’t. There just can never be enough fried dough at the Big E.

I’m not trying to hate on fried dough though. I fucking LOVE fried dough. It wasn’t just fried dough stands that were everywhere either. It was sausage

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corn dogs

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nacho cheese french fries

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and of course what 90 degree day in late September would be compete without a healthy serving of cheese curds?

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Pretty much everywhere you went you were walking into a giant sea of people who hate exercise and their miserable children who don’t think the Big E is very fun at all.

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The Big E is just a giant cesspool of people shoving fried food down their gullets.

Oh yea, and the prices are like a double kick in the nads. Not only did you pay $30 for absolutely nothing except for the right to walk through a crowded orgy of smelly human beings, but you also have to pay $9 for a sausage. And a soda is $4. And guess what? No free refills!!

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – any place that charges you for a refill of fountain soda is run by a the antichrist. Especially when your fountain machine is clearly home to a live hornet’s nest. Shit costs about five cents a fill. #FreeRefills.

So we decided to do the only thing in the Big E that was free and didn’t involve walking around with badasses who think it’s still the 1980’s

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longtime boyfriends and girlfriends who are drinking hooch that they smuggled in while wearing jorts and a tank top that is partially ripped from their latest bar fight

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America loving mother fuckers

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and trouble makers like this

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The only place that was both free and let me sit down and set up all my fanduel teams was this arena where some sort of horse show was going on. Thank God for the internet or else I would’ve had to invest myself into what was probably the most boring horse show I’ve ever seen. When I first saw that there were horses I was hoping that there’d be some sort of race, or maybe even jousting. That would’ve been sweet.

Instead it was just a bunch of spoiled 12 year old girls from Longmeadow trotting Daddy’s horses slowly around in circles.

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Then they picked the winner

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And the crowd goes wild!!!!

Once the horse show hooligans stopped kicking the shit out of each other and the police finally restored order, it was time to go back outside. So we walked around and had all these gypsies try to peddle whatever it was they were selling to us. Who doesn’t want Big E gold chains?

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or a palm reading

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or a “wonder knife”

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or the “World’s best dog harness”

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or Leon’s cowboy hats

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not to be confused with Leon’s leather goods

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or a state of the art vacuum

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or new gutters

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or motorcycle gear

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or a spin art frisbee

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or a “personality analysis”

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and of course who wouldn’t wanna buy some magical sand?

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Fun for all ages!!! Because lots of adults I know spend their free time playing with magical sand.

If you wanna cool down a bit and go inside for some shade there are plenty of infomercials for you to watch. Like, for instance, you can watch a presentation about glue

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or another kind of glue

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or pots and pans

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or German pots and pans

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and what man doesn’t need a foldable wooden picnic basket?

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or some purple shit

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or shoe cleaners

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or a bed

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or an air purifier

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or Miracle Whisk

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or some beef jerky

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or Vitamix

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And no trip to the Big E would be complete without someone trying to sell you a mop

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I would estimate that one in three morons leaves the Big E with a new mop

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and why wouldn’t they? They even let you test drive the mops as the crowd stares in silence and watches you mop.

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The only thing more accessible than mops are hot tubs, spas, and pools. I was 90% sure we were gonna walk out of there with a new hot tub

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And if you’re not impressed with all this shit you don’t need and certainly don’t wanna pay for, then you should check out the animal part of the Big E. First you will be greeted by a giant cow made out of butter

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When we first walked in there was a competition going on about dog trivia. I swear to God – dog trivia. Everything you could possible wanna know from dog breeding to dog shit was fair game. All six New England states were represented in this contest which would answer the question that has bothered us for centuries – which state’s young women know the most about dogs?

10711083_1465061467110465_220685087379301597_n-1the answer by the way, was Maine. Maine knows their dogs. As you can imagine the crowd went NUTS after the champion was crowned:

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And the only people at the Big E that were having more fun than these dog expert girls gone wild, were the animals themselves.

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Because what dog doesn’t wanna sit in a cage at the Big E for 12 hours a day in the 90 degree heat?

And I’m not sure exactly what was going on, but in the pen directly next to this poor dog there seemed to be some sort of exhibition of the Tuesday night crowd from Breens

 

After you’re done staring at dogs and Carney’s in a pen, you can move onto the really exotic animals. Like pigs

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I have to admit, those pigs do look delicious. Almost as delicious as these spooning pigs

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After that we moved on and got to stare at this sheep’s ass

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And let me tell you, this horse was having a GREAT fucking time at the Big E

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Almost as much fun as this llama who apparently had hay stuck to his face from the world famous Big E glue

10390560_1465063103776968_574255935170895920_nIf the animal kingdom isn’t your thing then you can always watch plants grow too

253318_1465064277110184_3310420325716524721_nor you can read about how milk gets to the market

10671209_1465064217110190_5538400473582203263_nor find out which animal is in your fat ass weight class

10665141_1465064223776856_3010246316699747146_nThen finally we came to the grande finale – the New England state buildings!!! All six New England states were represented. Even New Hampshire, you ask? ESPECIALLY New Hampshire!!!

1486862_1465064533776825_8268995174446058703_nBasically these buildings are all giant circles that morons line up to file through and look at a bunch of shit they’re not gonna buy. They herd you in like cattle and try to get you to buy a bunch of shit that each state is famous for. Like in Rhode Island

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Maine

10645070_1465062170443728_5798996470046528134_nand Vermont

10698588_1465062173777061_2967606240942798689_nBecause what person doesn’t wanna walk around in a circle and look at a bunch of shit they would never take if they paid you to take it?

And don’t tell all those hippies who protest cops in Worcester, but the Massachusetts State Police are there too with their arsenal for democracy

10623080_1465062180443727_3391031274762200685_nOh yea, and don’t tell the guy from the apple orchard blog about this sign

1234682_1465094913773787_3710751339050105233_nHey, that sign’s not very funny at all!!!! That’s so insulting to women. Not all women shop!! And they’re certainly not dangerous!! I’m gonna post on Facebook and write a letter to the Big E to demand that they take down that gender discriminatory sign IMMEDIATELY!!

Oh yea, and I’ve got bad news ladies. If you wanna take a Big Dump at the Big E, you’re gonna have to wait in a Big Ass line:
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Luckily Mrs. Turtleboy doesn’t do THAT.

Finally, what trip to the Big E would be complete without bumper to bumper traffic the entire way back to Worcester??

10360851_1465061983777080_3933955874667047860_n10687190_1465062177110394_2713364408633454842_nIn conclusion, the Big E is the biggest waste of time and money that has ever existed on earth. Never, ever go there unless you like mops and livestock.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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222 thoughts on “The Big E: Cesspool Of Morons With Infomercials, Fried Dough, And Goat Shit

  1. To each their own but if you can’t find one thing to enjoy yourself with at the big e then you are just outright lame and no fun. There is something there for everyone. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone on the weekend when it is clearly packed! I am photographed in one of your pictures. Instead of moping around like a “Debbie downer” and spending all your time worrying about which picture to take next, you may have actually enjoyed yourself a little! If you go with a sh*t attitude, then that’s what you will get out of it! I’m just saying 😉

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  2. You clearly don’t have kids. There are lots of rides for little ones and they have a blast there. Without kids, going there to drink and people watch is worth the cost.

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  3. Clam Cakes in the RI house. Baked Potato and Lobster Roll in the ME house. Maple Sugar Candy in the VT house. The Big Yellow Slide. Rides and Games. White Hut stand. Fantastic people watching. After a day at the Big E you’ve had fun, eaten your fill, and you feel really good about yourself. You note as you leave that you are better looking and in better shape than 99% of the people attending. I go every year! This blog made me very hungry and just acts like an advertisement for the Big E! Nice marketing turtle dick.

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  4. I never knew anyone could have such a bad time surrounded by fried food…..i guess the fact that the Big E is a 4H fair did not dawn on the blogger. where the judging and competition of animals, and animal related themes occures as kind of a center peice of the whole thing. I also don’t remember a sign out side the fair that says there is going to be healthy food inside. although, if your pissed that had to explore the wonderful word of american excess by using your own two feet, then you probably should not have gone there in the first place. tell your “rock” NO i don’t like it, i would rather be masturbating to the images of celery and bean sprouts. Next time the wifey gets the itch to drag you along to the Big E, don’t go. please for the sake of the people trying to enjoy a day away from work, enjoying a little fried food and the site of some adorable farm creatures. just stay home.

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  5. I live right near the big e and I don’t totally mind it besides the parking and traffic aspect, I tend to go frequently every year I suppose, but holy shit this is so funny and quite accurate.

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  6. Wow,
    Just when I thought I had met every low life scumbag, then someone like you comes along.
    Your disgusting commentary on the Big E, a vulgar and filth ridden account about a sociopath visiting one of the largest true fairs in the country. However I notice that the Big E attracted a huge attendance record of 1,498,605 just this year. So lets compare some numbers.
    Almost 1.5 million people like the Big E so much that they went to the Big E, in just a few days.
    Your blog on Facebook, that runs daily since 12/ 2013 has amassed an amazing 3,000 ‘Likes’
    So 1.5 million people like the Big E, just over a course of a few days. Your total fan base in a year, is equal to the amount of people that enter the Big E in 12 minutes.
    Well,, I’m sure the Big E considers you a huge threat. Your blog managed to reach about the number of people who were taking a dump in the toilet over the course of about 8 minutes.
    From your tone, vulgarity and self centered egomaniacal waste of words, I picture you to be a 40 year old unemployed guy, who is missing 3 or more teeth, never worked a day in your life, takes a shower semi-annually and still lives in your mothers basement. I bet your mommy still does your laundry for you.
    Then to my shock, I see you are married. To a woman you describe as “a rock”. I agree, a rock is probably the best you could do. I cannot imagine any real, intelligent, self confident woman putting up with a wasted amount of protoplasm as you. You are the reason birth control was meant to prevent. But you slipped through. My only thought is that your mommy drank too much, or did to many drugs, or was recovering from your father beating her, that resulted in her passing the products of conception that became you.
    Now on your attack, you personally photographed many people. You spewed vulgar self righteous comments about everything that is wrong about the Big E that day. You posted about 20 photos of all the things wrong, and how upsetting it was for you. But you really wasted so much time. If you really wanted to photo document the worst thing at the Big E, could have been done by posting just one ‘Selfie’ .
    I notice, while you attack all others, you hide. No photo of you. Never mention your real name. You hide, so you can proclaim this theology of ego oriented opinions, but never say what or who you are. You, my friend hide. So you can ridicule others, but not you. You are a coward.
    Then you went on, you attacked more. You posted and ridiculed people using their actual names, and emails of anyone who criticized you. You copied their facebook photos. You posted real names, intimidating people from posting any criticism of the gospel according to you. Again, hiding.
    Why?
    Your posting of real names, actual photos, and your filth ridden comments are unforgivable, unjust, libelous, slander. You attack others, you violate them, you intimidate them; but you hide. Do you still have a blankie to hold when you are scared?
    I can say this to you. I am a USMC that fought for your rite to free speech. I did my time for this country. Did you?
    In my service to my country, my only regret is that I protected your rite. You are the poster child of a disgusting arrogant leach on America. I’m willing to bet you are on some ‘entitlement’ program, so you sit back in mommies basement, and never amount to anything your whole life.
    Take those posts that identify persons, names, and facebook photos down. Now.
    I will protect their rites. Those rites that you have so intentionally and purposely violated.
    Take these down now.
    You cannot hide forever.
    I am a man who has deep respect for my fellow citizens. I have never said anything like this before. I hope, with all my thoughts, that you get treated as you treat others. I hope pain and suffering comes to you, and your family. I hope you watch, as your family suffers the pain of illness or injury. You are a disgusting leach. May your life be void of happiness, may you only feel pain, until such time that you change your values; and treat others, as you wish to be treated.
    Coward.

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    • I appreciate you serving Thomas, but what in the world does you being a marine have anything to do with the Big E or the content of this blog?

      Also, you said you fought for our “rite” to free speech…Are you saying then that as long as you don’t like the free speech that is being displayed, then you have the right to demand it be removed? That sounds like an awfully dangerous setup.

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    • Sounds less like support for free speech and more like a desire for state sponsored censorship. Well sorry Mussolini, this is America. You may think you’re protecting “their rites,” but you’re actually a petulant child who’s hitched his wagon to the wrong horse.

      And honestly, anyone who throws being a Marine in your face was probably a fucking POG. Seriously, how many NAMs did you get for sitting at a desk and getting an officer coffee? Because a guy who was actually in the shit, who actually fought and saw his buddies die in some third world hell hole would not be acting the way you are. Staring death in the face has a way of humbling people.

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    • As one serviceman to another, you’re doing the opposite of fighting for free speech right now. Using your service to try and elevate your argument isn’t going to work as well. This entire post is fucking crazy and I hope you use your GI bill to educate yourself a little bit more, at least in English. Thanks.

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  7. Thank you!! I have been saying this about the “Big E”xtraordinary suffering for years now . I have thankfully managed to stay away for 8 years and counting, this blog makes me feel less alone.

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  8. My favorite part of your article is your trip back to Worcester. Sorry but us folks from western mass don’t need central massholes like you visiting our peaceful area. Keep up trying to impress Boston with your hatred of the countryside of our beautiful state. News: they don’t like your kind either.
    Ps. Stop disrespecting the beautiful creature the turtle your nickname should be turd instead because your a piece of sh$&

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  9. Pingback: Skirt Wearing Scotsman Didn’t Like The Big E Blog, More Slug Rakes Threaten To Sue Turtleboy Sports | TurtleBoySports

  10. I live a mile from the big e. If you live in the surrounding towns. It is a social thing. Yes, it does bring out the trailer trash and southern style folks….but it’s been happening for many many years…which started out as an agricultural thing back in the day when we didn’t get all our shit at walmart. As far as parking….we have to put up with everybody’s crap and all this traffic for 3 weeks practically and the only thing that lets us do that is perhaps the vision of making some extra cash during that time. Not that I stand to make any money from parking, but myself, trying to get to work every morning and get home is a fiasco. Just last week I had to drive to Connecticut to get home like WTF? yes it’s cheesy but they do have some really neat things there. It’s a great way to support your community and a lot of vendors believe it or not are local. since last year and this year had record attendance your opinion lacks credibility in the fact that figures don’t lie. While I do agree on some of your points, and did have quite a chuckle with your writing, your insults to those who have to put up with people like you who drive blindly, obviously since if you just follow the traffic you never would have ended up at the high school. yes, the Big E is a big inconvenience and pain in the ass for me to go anywhere…no one is forcing you to buy anything and I haven’t had hard core people chasing me down. Let’s just say I detest going to buy a new car and I would go to the Big E over buying a new vehicle any day.

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  11. Ya gotta admit, the baby pigs are kinda cute, but not worth the hassle or admission price. The two guys with the “Trou” and “ble” shirts would have made more of an impact if they were holding hands the whole time. Of course, then they wold have been beat up by the 70’s guy in the Laconia shirt and the guy in the American flag shirt.

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  12. LMAO. The only thing you forgot to mention was the crowd of people surrounding the egg hatchery vying for the perfect view of an egg…rocking slightly.

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  13. I have never been to the Big E and always thought I was missing out on something the way people talk about it. Oh boy was I wrong!!! Thanks for making sure I never waste my time. And to those who are “offended” by you – get a life. Seriously.

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  14. If you go to the big e and cant find any fun in it maybe you dont have much of a personality. Lighten up go on a ride, watch the pig races and bet on a pig, milk a goat, eat crazy fried things, take a silly picture in the big chair. Learn how to make good times wherever you are, cause the big e is fun as fuck lol.

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  15. LOL UMass basketball. I saw a pic someone posted of some of those guys at the Connecticut exhibit taking pics with the Uconn National Championship trophies. That’s as close as they will get to one in their time there. Big E does suck though, so A+ for rest of your rant.

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  16. i love the Big E. I have always loved the Big E, but I grew up in an agricultural environment so maybe it is more interesting to me. Here are a few things I don’t like about the Big E. I don’t like fighting traffic, especially knowing there are so many people in that traffic who, like yourself don’t know where they are going and don’t want to be there in the first place. I don’t like the $15 admission price they charge me just to walk around, but I go at night, after five and get in for $5.00 which also allows me to escape the blazing sun. I don’t like the beer booths filled with men who don’t want to be there but go to get drunk and watch the game instead of spend time with their family. That’s what bars are for.

    I love the animal exhibits, the boys and girls who are there are typically voag kids who love what they do and this is a perfect platform to showcase it. I come from a cow town so the smell of goat shit smells like home to me. I don’t particularly like the “petting zoo” but it’s a cool place for kids to see and learn about animals they may never get to see in person. I personally appreciate that much more in a zoo setting though. Animals don’t always like being touched and being fed pellets all day and night for two weeks can make them sick I’d imagine.

    My son participated in the parade this year with his high school marching band. That was pretty cool for me, for him too.

    I’m a big fan of window shopping so I love all of the merchant stuff. Quincey Market used to be one of my favorite summer destinations every year too. If you can, try to avoid that place. Expensive parking and a lot of walking, merchants, and street performers. At the Big E there is a guy who makes chain saw sculptures that I would absolutely love to own but they’re expensive so I just go once a year to admire the artwork he creates.

    A few years back I got to see Brett Michaels play in a rain storm. It’s one of my favorite memories. I was one person in a sea of people who, despite less than comfortable accommodations, became one with the herd and had a great time. I’m like that though, I can have fun in some of the weirdest places. We had an old fashioned photo taken and it sits on my wall to remind me of the good time I had.

    I watched a guy peddling his wares for over an hour. Who knew frying pans could be so interesting? I wanted one of those too but alas, too expensive. I did however buy some amazing car wax! I’m telling you, I’ve never had such fun detailing my jeep. I also bought some Cabot cheese from the Vermont building, because I love it. I know I know, you can buy it at the grocery store, but for some reason it tastes better from the Big E. I also bought a delicious bottle of wine from one of the Vendors on the New England wine trail to go with it.

    I love the alpaca building with all of its furry knitted creations. I bought myself some of the warmest mittens there. I also got a pair of slippers. There was a jewelry stand that my boss loves so I got her a nice neckace as a thank you gift for being a good boss. She goes every year as well.

    One of my favorite exhibits is the quilts. I’ve tried to make a quilt before and failed miserably. It takes a lot of talent to make a quilt and some of them are so exquisitely intricate. I’ll try again someday when I get a sewing machine.

    My favorite booth is the beef jerkey booth. He has a lot of good spice rubs, hot sauces and venison jerkey that is out of this world. I go there a lot. They’re open when the fairgrounds has other stuff going on like car shows.

    A few years back my dad bought an incense burner that looks like a log cabin. It smells like burning cedar. When he passed away I kept it and I love it so much.

    I bought a really cool leash for my dog there. It’s kind of stretchy so if she gets excited and pulls, she has a little bit of elasticity to keep her from yanking her head around. I bought her a doggy hooded sweatshirt too. She loves it when it gets cold out.

    I absolutely love going into the spa hangars the Big E has. The smell of chlorine and the humidity inside is delicious. I will own one someday… when my house is payed off.

    I like to round my day off at the Big E over in the Midway. Rides and games and blinking lights have always made the end of the summer air a little sweeter to me. The perfect end to the heat of summer in my opinion.

    It’s hard for me to imagine anyone could spend an entire day there and not find one thing they like about it because there is so much to see and do. It’s an event, like any event there are things that aren’t fun but to me the good outweighs the bad.

    I think it was your wife’s unfortunate mistake to invite you, knowing you wouldn’t like it. If my husband didn’t want to go, I’d find a friend who did and would love it as much as I do. I’m sorry you had such a bad time and I can only hope that it’s because it’s not your thing and not because you’ve lost your childhood whimsy.

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