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As you know by know, Turtleboy took a two week hiatus to go hatch some more eggs. I am one of the many spawn of Turtleboy and have been designated to provide hot political takes on yesterday’s election. Here goes…..
Disclaimer – Turtleboy Sports is neither conservative or liberal. Several of our writers have different opinions on different issues. First of all, being too one-sided is not healthy or natural, nor is blindly subscribing to one set of beliefs because the political party you favor says you have to. Secondly, it’s bad for business. We have a lot of liberals and conservatives that ride the turtle. We don’t want the writers going on rants about gun control or health care or abortion and causing us to lose half our market. Keep that in mind before you label us right wingers or communists.
Anyway, I voted yesterday and I really don’t care who won. Charlie Baker or Martha Coakley – same shit. Politicians don’t actually affect your life unless you get drafted. Plus, politics and government were designed to work so slowly and efficiently, that it doesn’t matter which stooge gets elected. My solution always has been and always will be to take 20 of the smartest people we’ve got from both sides of the aisle and pick them out of a hat. Cut through the bullshit that we call a “campaign.”
On that note, I’m happy Charlie Baker won. Not necessarily because I like him or think he’ll does a good job, but because upsetting the establishment is the Turtleboy way of doing business. It’s a democratic state establishment. If I lived in Arkansas I’d root for the democrats in order to stick it to the Republicans. Whenever you can stick it to the man (or woman in this case) you take that opportunity.
Secondly, how fucking sad was it that we had two proven LOSERS to choose from? Straight up LOSERS. And I’m not talking about their politics or take on any particular issues. I’m just talking about how both of them are nothing but proven losers. Charlie Baker couldn’t beat Deval Patrick. Not even close. I could beat Deval Patrick without ever leaving my turtle.
Baker is a proven loser, but Martha Coakley redefines what a loser is. She comes from a state where having a big ol’ “D” next to your name on the ballot is basically the same thing as a leper being touched by Jesus. You can’t lose. But not only did she completely fuck up everything and lose to Scott Brown (who has lost twice since then), she then followed this up with a triumphant loss to proven loser Charlie Baker. Rock Bottom.
Oh yea, and what the hell was with the 16 hour delay in her conceding this puppy? Was she pulling a Karl Rove and looking for random counties where dead people voted? Not a good look MARTHA.
And another thing I’m really, really glad I did was never once waste my time watching one of those debates. Why the hell do we still have these things? You can tell me everything you stand for on the Internet. The entire purpose of these charades is for these nudniks to get up there and hope they can find the right time to insert a memorable one-liner. That’s literally the only reason we still have them. Like when Scott Brown had that line a couple years back about filling Ted Kennedy’s seat and he said it was “the people’s seat.” Do you understand how hard and yet meaningless those one-liners are to come by?
But that’s what makes politics an absolute joke. And the highlight of the loser vs. loser debates this time was the dumbest question I’ve ever heard in my life – “What was the last thing that made you cry?” Whoever came up with that question should be fed to the pigs. Why on God’s green earth do I give a rat’s ass what made these empty suits cry? Neither has a soul, so clearly they are incapable of crying. When choosing a governor for your state, you could look at their economic plan, or their take on social issues. Nope. Not in 2014. We ask them to bring up some traumatic event so they can fake tears in a vain attempt to humanize them.
And of course Charlie Baker took a lot of flack because he completely made up some terrible story about a New Bedford fisherman who never sent his kids to college. Jesus H. Christ Charlie, that’s the best you could come up with? Either get your people to come up with a better and more believable story that can actually be verified, or say what I would’ve said – “That’s a clown question bro. Next.” Do you think Bill Belichick would ever answer a question like that? Nope. Because he’s a winner, and both of these jagoffs are losers. Sidenote: I would literally pay thousands of dollars to watch Bill Belichick in a debate with Rex Ryan.
Oh yea, and another example of why democracy doesn’t work was in a race for some position called a “Register of Probate.” I have absolutely no clue what the Register of Probate does. I had no idea they had to be elected. Quite frankly the job sounds made up. But it turns out it exists, and the people we elect to fill that position matter. Their duties include handling family matters like child-custody rights, divorces, and wills and estates, or in other words every part of your family, from life to death.
Sounds pretty important to me. Probably should have someone in there who knows what the fuck they’re doing. But of course when you make it an elected political position, everything gets fucked up. The guy who was running as incumbent is Steve Abraham – a democrat. He’s had the job for a while, and the court never blew up, so in my opinion he’s doing a fine job. He’s also a veteran lawyer and Worcester City Councilor. Pretty much as qualified as you get.
Well his opponent was a 26 year old law school student with an unfortunate name – Stephanie Fattman. Her husband Ryan is your classic up and comer tea partier who has the whole fucking world figured out at the age of 30. You know, Ronald Reagan is God, unions are the devil, that sort of stuff. So naturally this makes Stephanie THE MOST QUALIFIED person to run this really important position. Because it’s not fair if her husband gets to be a State Senator and she doesn’t get to play too!!!
Obviously anyone with a brain votes for Abraham because the position has NOTHING TO DO with politics. But nope. Mrs. Fattman’s experience as a wedding planner for the Marriot Hotel was apparently enough experience for the voters out there. DEMOCRACY!!!
Anyway, the only thing I like about election day are the ballot questions. Those are actually fun because we get to make up the laws instead of the morons in Boston. There were four in Massachusetts this year, and I’m going to use them to point out why Massachusetts needs to finally cut ties with the one municipality that’s ruining everything – the people’s republic of Cambridge. Home of the Tsarnaevs and Gish Jen.
First let’s look at Question 1. Should Massachusetts require the State Legislature to vote on tax increases? Now most of you are probably saying, yes, of course, what kind of stupid question is that? Didn’t we revolt from those bastards in England because we didn’t get to vote on what our taxes were? To me this isn’t a conservative or liberal issue. It’s common sense. I voted yes and the people voted yes. Let’s look how Cambridge voted:
73% of these people, who represent the fifth largest city in the Commonwealth, said “sure, take more money out of my pocket without my consent because I have so much money that I just can’t figure out how to spend it all by myself.”
Or how about Question 2 – should Massachusetts require you to pay for bottle deposits on stuff like bottled water that you don’t currently have to pay for. Logically the answer to this is no. Worcester’s awesome because of our recycling. You can go down to Shaw’s, grab 30 paper bags on your way out the door, and pretty much throw everything that hasn’t been left in your fridge for the past three months in there. And it’s all free, AND we’re saving the planet. Kick ass.
So obviously we don’t need the bottle deposit program, since we already recycle those bad boys anyway right? I mean, let’s be honest – the last thing anyone wants to do is save up all their cans for a Sunday date down to Price Chopper so you can walk out of there with $3.65 that you’ll instantly blow at Breen’s. So pretty much if this question passed then you’re just getting an extra tax every time you buy bottled water.
Naturally this bill failed miserably. How’d it do in Cambridge though?
Oh for fuck’s sake. SMH. I mean, you’re just being an instigator if you voted yes on that one. This isn’t a liberal thing or a conservative thing either. We’re already saving the earth with recycling. This is literally just a tax for the sake of a tax. Even God damn P-Town voted no on that one!! But yet 63% of the geniuses in Cambridge said, “fuck it, tax me some more.”
Question 3 might’ve been the dumbest one I’ve ever seen. Should we repeal the law we passed two freaking years ago, that allows casinos in Massachusetts? This question being on the ballot was so Martha Coakley it hurts. Just like Martha and Charlie Baker, the people of Massachusetts were given this same option a couple years ago. And just like we rejected both of those losers, we said “yup, gimme those casinos baby!!”
So what did these slug rakes do? They put the same question right back on the ballot. I mean, what did you think was gonna happen? Did you think that Massachusetts voters would change their mind because we’ve been overrun by hookers from Fall River ever since we built our non-existent casinos? Hey, same time next year right? Let’s just vote on it every other year and see if people will magically change their mind.
Now casinos shouldn’t be a liberal or conservative issue either. But of course it is. Conservatives like em because they think it’s gonna turn Massachusetts into the Emerald City. Liberals don’t like em because they think it’s their job to protect you from your own stupidity – i.e. blowing your welfare check on the slots while you’re hooked up to a breathing machine. But yet NONE of these people has ever put a question on the ballot to eliminate the Massachusetts State Lottery, because odds are one of your hack cousins has a job working for them. And at least the casino gives you a fighting chance. You’ve got a 48-49% chance in blackjack if you play your cards right. The lottery is specifically designed for you to piss your money away on your ex-boyfriend’s birthday numbers.
Logically I voted no on this one, and the people of this great state voted the same way in a much larger fashion than they did last time (most likely because they were annoyed we were being asked the same fucking question again). How about Cambridge?
Ya see that? That’s why Cambridge can’t have nice things. That’s why Cambridge has got to go. Run free Cambridge, you’re independent. You can create your own utopian society, tax yourself up the wazoo and go to Gish Jen book signings till the cows come home. The only town that actually had reason to vote yes on this was Longmeadow (the lone green one on the CT border). Because the casino’s coming to Springfield, and when you live in Longmeadow you’re pretty much constantly worried about Springfield destroying your property value.
Question 4 is the only one Cambridge got right. Now it’s time to shit on conservatives. Should Massachusetts require paid sick time? Ummm, yea. Obviously. What kind of savages want to make you choose between getting healthy and paying your God damn rent? What year are we in? Conservatives will tell you that “small businesses job creators are gonna have to lay people off because they’re gonna go broke paying for replacements while people are recovering from Ebola. The humanity!!!
Newsflash – if your business can’t make it because you’re gonna have to pay a replacement 5-10 days a year, then your business sucks. Time to start a business that actually fucking works and doesn’t go under when someone gets the flu. Let’s look how the state, and of course Cambridge voted:
I wanna meet the 18% of people in Cambridge who voted against this. Imagine being that much of a blowhard conservative and living in Cambridge. They must be the most miserable people on earth. Either that or they just love a good fight. Now, I wouldn’t give a shit about Cambridge if 100,000 people didn’t live there. These people have clearly abused their voting privileges, and vote for the sole purpose of annoying the rest of civilized Massachusetts. Obviously they’re not in touch with the rest of us, and because they’re so big they adversely affect state politics. Clearly they weren’t happy with the outcome of the election, and we’re not happy with their shananigans and Tsarnavs. Pretty simple solution – run free Cambridge!!! You’re on your own!!
Anyway, hope you liked my hot political takes, and I’m glad to be on board the Turtleboy Sports revolution. Look forward to more of these to come whenever the next politician says something really, really dumb!!
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
Check out more hot takes from Dubsism.