I Am Turtleboy


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So here’s a quick background about Turtleboy Sports for those unfamiliar with the site. There was this Worcester blogger who started a sports blog a couple years back. His takes were lukewarm at best, but he built up a following. Anyway, because of the demands of his career he decided to give it up, and he wanted to do it legally so there was a paper trail for proof. We realized that Worcester and the nation want, nay NEED, hot takes, so we decided to pick up where he left off. So we started a new blog called Turtleboy Sports and started to take over the blogging world.

We needed a base to start with though. So the guy who wrote the Worcester sports blog (he has not given us consent to use his name) gave us access to his Twitter, since he’d built up a small following. The only part of the deal was that we needed to rename it. At first we were gonna go with wordfromthewoo, but we were informed we couldn’t use that name. Then it came to us – “Turtleboy.”

Basically we didn’t wanna do what the last guy did and use real names, so we decided to name our blog after Worcester’s most iconic figure. Plus we had a few writers and we all wanted to pen under the same name. Thus “Turtleboy.” We’ve had over a dozen people contribute using this nom de plume. We have writers everywhere from Florida, to Indiana. We’re nationwide. You cannot stop the Turtleboy revolution. It is literally taking over America.

And I know a lot of people who have been accused of and asked if they were Turtleboy. Newsflash – there is no Turtleboy. Turtleboy is the voice of the people. This blog isn’t registered to anyone in particular. It actually belongs to WordPress. They can shut it down whenever they want to.

The bottom line is this – we’ve built up a following because we’re not afraid to say what everyone is thinking. Because they can’t shut you up if they don’t know who you are. The Turtleboy Sports brand depends on this to keep going.

Well, the terrorists send us their theories all the time about who we are. We get the messages on Facebook page and others in emails accusing us of being various people. I don’t know where these people are coming from but they’re throwing out some names I’ve never heard of before. A couple of the accused have been acquaintances of mine though, so they may or may not be in the right ballpark. Like this one guy who uses the name “Harry Bowles” is always sending me shit like this:

cfjbi

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These wannabe gumshoes think they’re Sherlock fucking Holmes. These geniuses sent us a message that followed the above one the next day:

cfk2v

I redacted the two links he sent me because the person involved in them has nothing to do with Turtleboy Sports. Basically this fucknut went all the way back on our company’s Twitter to early December and pulled up a picture from a UMass basketball game.

Screen Shot 2014-09-24 at 3.25.40 PMYup. We love UMass basketball. Can’t get enough of it. What was his point? Oh yea, he thought he cracked the case because he found this same picture on the Facebook page of an acquaintance of our’s (we contacted him and told him what happened, but asked that we put a scumbag Steve hat over his Facebook name):

cfjzp
Don’t you guys get it? He figured it out!! We tweeted out a picture that someone we are friends with on Facebook had put on Facebook!!!
th-10

How smart did this guy feel when he sent us those pictures? He came up with a theory about who Turtleboy was. Then he decided he was gonna get to the bottom of this, presumably because he had nothing better to do because his Mom blocked Redtube on the family computer. For you to go back to a picture on December 7th on our Twitter takes a long, long time. Oh yea, and while he was doing that he was trying to simultaneously match up pictures from his “Turtleboy suspect #16” database to see if any of the same pictures appeared on both Twitter, and the acquaintance of mine’s Facebook page.

Picture the chub that this guy got when he found both of these pictures. After 48 hours of searching he literally couldn’t wait to go public with this. He even made sure to color in all his real Facebook information, and highlight all his clues. Because obviously this is DEFINITIVE proof as to who Turtelboy is!! Either that or we tweeted out a picture of a cool dunk that a shitload of people were sharing on social media, and which was later featured on ESPN’s top 10 plays. One or the other. Good thing this was just this kid’s first draft.

Rats!! You foiled us again Turtleboy. Needless to say we haven’t heard from this guy since. He’s no doubt sitting in his cave, scowering other suspects’ pages to figure out who we are. I mean, he could be looking at any of your Facebook’s right now trying to match up pictures from our Twitter account, which brings me to the purpose of this particular blog.

Basically this guy and others like him (he’s not the only one who’s done this), have made it their goal in life to figure out who writes an anonymous blog so that the hot, spicy takes will stop being served up freshly for the masses. But Turtleboy Sports doesn’t belong to me or any of my highly unpaid interns. It belongs to the people. We’re not the fastest growing feminist family blog in America because my brother and sister read this shit. The Turtleboy Sports revolution belongs to all normal, rational people that wanna take a ride on the turtle.

On that note Turtleboy could be anyone out there. So instead of making this poor sap spend all day trying to crack the case, I thought I’d help him out. Here are the faces of the Turtleboy Sports Revolution. Turtleboy could be……

Mr. Potato Head

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A cute dog

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A dog who is not impressed with your shenanigans

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The African-American Taco Bell dog

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A sad dog who needs a hug

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A dog who rides the turtle

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The spawn of Beethoven dog

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A silly little dog who thinks he’s people

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An unimpressed cat

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A pot-smoking cat

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The Incredible Hulk

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Worcester babes who can ride the turtle for 3.1 miles

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An Asian guy at the masquerade ball

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A Worcester hooligan sober

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A Worcester hooligan not sober

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A Blarney goer

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A UMass Superfan caged in a cubicle

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A stealthy woman with sweet selfie skills

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An All-Star fisherman

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An exhausted Teddy Bear who can’t stop dreaming about cheeseburgers

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A junior smokeshow with diagonal selfie skills

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A Hello Kitty

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A drunken Irishman

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A Nutcracker babe

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A groovy junior smokeshow who enjoys the beauty of New England foliage

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Walter White

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The man in the iron mask

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The Fitchburg State Junior Smokeshow Cheerleading Team

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A llama

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The guy from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” who wrote that message to Jennifer Love Hewitt

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th-11

A man who only writes in turtle green

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The antichrist

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A Barstool Sports troll

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A learned man who has read many leather-bound books and works in downtown Worcester

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A pair of women who ride the turtle so much that the city had to build a fence to keep them out

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ISIS

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Future Rhode Island Governor Al Dente

cfqrq

A guy who hasn’t been carded since he was 13

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A ninja turtle baby

10672224_841135202563855_1257244961796299280_nA ninja turtle toddler

10707985_10204104972041262_1133193139_nA handsome baby with a Mommy whose multitasking selfie skills are unparalleled 
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A peace loving, photogenic girl who every woman in America wants to be their flower girl

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An adorable baby who just wants to be held

10706462_1463785887238023_880464538_nAn All-American girl with turtle colored eyes10711696_10202119463217437_1973934098_n

Captain America Jr.

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A turtle riding brother duo

10681700_10204979618838792_1339431414_nOr I could even be the tag team duo of Sean Michaels’ and Whiskey-Drinking Spider Undies Santa Man

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My advice is to stop worrying about who Turtleboy is. Because it doesn’t matter. Turtleboy Sports is something that unites us all while we take our morning dumps. He or she could be any of the people or wildlife pictured above.

Ya never know. Because Turtelboy Sports isn’t about any particular individual. It’s about the people. Those people who simply wanna live in a society where everyone doesn’t get butthurt about innocent signs at apples farms. People who don’t think it’s OK to raid a school bus full of children and attack a bus driver. People who know the difference between Your and You’re. People who aren’t content with one sentence Barstool blogs. People who hate BC and love UMass. People who don’t go out of the way to label themselves as victims. People who love America, support the police, and think that Worcester should separate itself from Communist Massachusetts. People with common sense. This is who rides the turtle. This is the face of the revolution.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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8 thoughts on “I Am Turtleboy

  1. Forgot to mention the people explaining to Jr.
    What turtle boy meant in the:

    “Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?”

    When saying “Turtleboy is in pants tent city.”

    That’s just a minor example. Point being the articles with commentary are the writers voice not the peoples. Not all are going to agree on the views of the writer.

    Like

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