Greatest Person Ever: Tom Brady, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Abe Lincoln, Or Jesus?

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It’s almost August, which means I have a New England Patriots pants tent brewing in my pants and the only thing that can keep it under control is a fourth Patriots Super Bowl victory. Is there anything in the world that’s better than being a Pats fan? We haven’t had a losing season since 2000. Eight of those 13 have resulted in 12 wins or more. Eight of the 13 have seen the Pats reach the AFC Title game. With the additions of Darrelle Revis, Brandon Browner, and Brandon Lafell it’s pretty much a disaster if we don’t make the Super Bowl this year.

Think about how awesome that is. Thirteen going on fourteen straight years of dominance. No other team in NFL history has even come close to touching what the Pats have done. Why? Well, in 2004 they were arguably the greatest team in NFL history, but since then they’ve had gigantic weaknesses that would turn any other team into a 6-10 disaster.

No, the reason they win is because of one reason, and one reason alone – Tom freaking Brady. Sure some idiot from Ireland wrote a story saying he wasn’t one of the top five QB’s in the NFL, but don’t believe it for a second. He’s declined……slightly. But he’s still the most infallible athlete on the planet. I’ve started to realize the closer he gets to the end of his career how much I’m going to miss this legend among mere mortals.


Brady isn’t even really a man. He’s like a mythological creature. A human being who seems so surreal that he’s almost immortal. Brady has dominated the NFL like none other, yet you never ever hear a complaint from him about the organization. Do you understand how rare that is? The Patriots are notorious for short-changing even the most loyal company men – Ty Law, Richard Seymour, Vince Wilfork, Logan Mankins, and many more.

You would think Brady would be the one who gets whatever he wants, no questions asked. But they don’t even do that for him – company policy. But you know what ya don’t hear? Brady ever complain about it. Sure he could point out that he’s gonna go down as possibly the greatest quarterback ever. He could threaten to hold out for more money or skip town for a better deal. But he doesn’t, because he is not a normal man. He is Tom Brady. The chosen one who chooses to play for the chosen people of upper New England.

Then there’s the fact that he gives zero fucks about being flamboyantly feminine. Sure he could make commercials for Wrangler Jeans and throw the football around with his buddies on a horse ranch like Brett Favre. But Brady doesn’t need to prove to the world that he’s some sort of model of manliness off the field because he is the manliest of all men on the field. When you see Brady banging helmets with is teammates after a touchdown you can see the machismo oozing out of his face mask.

So that made me think – how does Brady rank up there against some of the all-time great human beings who have ever lived? Time for a Turtleboy Sports breakdown to find out if Brady is in fact that greatest human being to ever live. We’ll compare him with some of the others who many believe have a legitimate claim to the throne – Martin Luther King Jr, Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, and Jesus. 


Nelson Mandella



  • Won the Nobel Peace Prize
  • Ended apartheid in South Africa
  • Served 27 years in prison for promoting equality and immediately was elected the first black President of South Africa upon his release
  • As President his accomplishments according to Wikipedia included, 3 million people were connected to telephone lines, 1.5 million children were brought into the education system, 500 clinics were upgraded or constructed, 2 million people were connected to the electricity grid, water access was extended to 3 million people, and 750,000 houses were constructed, housing nearly 3 million people.”


  • Lots of commie friends
  • Talked shit about America
  • May or may not have had multiple mistresses


Martin Luther King Jr. 



  • Won the Nobel Peace Prize
  • Arrested hundreds of times for civil disobedience, forcing the federal government to pass the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts
  • Rejected all forms of violence including in self-defense
  • Was killed while promoting better working conditions for garbagemen


  • Possibly a communist
  • Possibly an adulterer



Abe Lincoln



  • Held the country together in it’s darkest hour
  • Oversaw the end of slavery in America
  • Very tall
  • Very wise


  • Possible tyrant
  • Suspended habeas corpus
  • Told long, boring stories a lot






  • Cured lepers
  • Turned water into wine
  • Befriended the poor and downtrodden
  • Preached love and tolerance
  • Rose from the dead


  • Lost his temper over money changers in the temple
  • Possible liar and heretic



Tom Brady



  • Manages to balance metrosexual lifestyle with manly on the field demeanor
  • Three time Super Bowl champion
  • Married to a Brazilian super model
  • Takes less money, team friendly deals and never complains despite being the most irreplaceable player in the NFL, at the most important position


  • Lost two Super Bowls to under dogged Giants
  • Wears Uggs



It’s a tough one. Sure Jesus, MLK, Mandela, and Lincoln promoted world peace. But how many Super Bowls do those guys have? Plus, Jesus was a divine prophet, MLK had inspiring dreams, Mandela had millions of supporters all around the world, and Lincoln had a superior military and infrastructure. With the risk of sounding sacrilegious, Brady has arguably done more with less. He’s the obvious choice.

so that’s not even an equal playing field.

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