Do you like to write outrageous headlines in order to get page views? Do you have something really dumb to say that you just can’t keep to yourself? Do you like to mask your idiotic thoughts with big words that you found in your handy pocket thesaurus? Are you a miserable human being who sees the negative in all things that are inherently good? If so, then please contact the Boston Globe and they will run your drivel in the Sunday edition of their “newspaper.”
After reading this article, entitled Ice Bucket Challenge a Gimmick Best Not Repeated, I am led to believe that this is how they find their opinion writers in the editorials. Remember back when the Red Sox won the World Series and everyone was happy about? Yea that was awesome. So of course the Globe had to bring in Gish Jen to write an editorial asserting her genius theory that the victims of the Boston Marathon were largely to blame for “failing the Tsarnaevs.”
Well apparently the negative press the Globe got from several high profile media outlets (including the website we merged with last year) was exactly what they were looking for, because they let some dooshnozzle named Tom Keane run this piece yesterday. He started off his moronic rant with this gem:
GOOD FOR Barack Obama. While vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard, he refused Ethel Kennedy’s ice bucket challenge. You know the saying: Just because every idiot in the world is jumping off of a cliff doesn’t mean you should too.
Yea, good for him. Fuck charity. Fuck ALS. Not many people are calling out the President for refusing to do the ice bucket challenge, but I will. It’s not the fact that he didn’t do it that bugs me because some people just don’t wanna go through the charade. It’s the reason why he didn’t do it. The man thinks he’s too dignified for it. Not very “presidential.”
Newsflash Obama – you’ve made your mark as a guy who flaunts conventional wisdom and tradition. Is it “presidential” to call out Cambridge police officers for being racists when they were doing their job? Was it conventional to have a “beer summit” on the White House lawn? Was it “presidential” to run an ESPN special of your NCAA Tournament picks every single year while in office?
Guess what Obama? None of that was “presidential.” But you did it anyway, and I kind of respected that. You actually had me thinking that you were kind of a regular guy that follows the same type of stuff that I do. And you even say dumb things without thinking, JUST LIKE ME!!! But that’s all over now I guess. Now all of a sudden you’re “presidential,” which evidently means not very fun at all.
Anyway Tom Keane went on to explain one of the reasons he hates this charity:
Or perhaps it’s that, celebrity and non-celebrity alike, people crave attention, likes, and hits so much that they’ll do most anything.
Look at, I’m not gonna debate that most people are posting these videos because it’s the cool thing to do right now. But that’s not the point. The mere fact that people are talking about a terrible disease we know little about, and the fact that it’s spreading like wildfire and leading to rich people donating tons of cash towards ALS research, is all you need to know about this Tom.
Because without the millions of stooges out there doing this on Facebook then the rich people people don’t see it and they don’t donate money. Oprah, George W. Bush, and Charlie Sheen are doing this because everyone else is doing it. And they have money. And that money can help cure a bad, bad disease that kills people. So how about you stop being such a Debbie downer? Dooshnozzle.
But Tom Keane wasn’t done shitting on everyone’s parade:
Meanwhile, big disease advocates such as the American Lung Association, the American Cancer Society, and the Alzheimer’s Association must be eyeing the challenge with envy, marveling not only at the ALS Association’s growing bank account but also the publicity it’s garnered. Are there to be future ice bucket challenges for them?
Hey I have a question Tom. How much of an asshole does someone have to be to shit on the ALS Association because people aren’t spreading their money out equally to other charities? Because guess what? We can’t cure everything right away. And all this money that went towards ALS research wasn’t gonna go to Alzheimer’s or the American Lung Association or cancer research. It was gonna go towards strippers, cocaine, booze, and cheesesteaks. Apparently Tom’s philosophy is that if you’re not gonna give money to every charity on earth, then you shouldn’t give money to any charity on earth.
You know how you can tell Tom Keane is the biggest fraud? This line:
But somehow, the ALS Association is now the charity du jour, benefitting from a clever idea that went viral. And that, unfortunately, illustrates the real problem all good causes face: getting people to notice them.
Let me get this straight. A nudnik who is trying to get people to notice him by shitting on a charity is mad that people are doing something to get people to notice them and in turn bring awareness to a charity? Because that makes TONS of sense.
He wasn’t done though. He started shitting on charity road races too, because as we know he hates when people are conned into giving money to a good cause. But to him, the ice bucket challenge is much worse than all these charity walks and runs:
The ice bucket challenge follows these antecedents but adds a new and troubling twist. Charities have always been comfortable using guilt as a motivator — children and puppies in danger seem to work especially well. But the challenge crosses a line.
So apparently he is not a fan of sick children or puppies either. Hey everyone, stop giving money to charity and helping to cure a deadly disease, because you’re inadvertently making Tom Keane feel guilty. Tom Keane doesn’t wanna give to charity right now. Sure he could’ve just seen people that he hates doing the ice bucket challenge, not done it himself, and moved on with his life. But instead of just ignoring the fact that he was called out on Facebook he decided to write this article in the Sunday Globe. That’s what people who know big words do, because they’re smarter than us.
I guess that’s my big point here. Don’t wanna do the ice bucket challenge? Cool. Neither do I. But just because you feel that way doesn’t mean you have to go off on a rant about why you’re smarter than all of the peons you have to watch dumping ice water on their heads. So have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up Tom Keane.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.