A few years back Reddit started doing these AMA’s (Ask me anything), where a celebrity or person of note goes online for a couple hours and interacts with people by answering their questions. Following that rather successful model many sports organizations have started to use Twitter hashtags to have conversations with fans directly. These have gone terribly, terribly wrong. #Askemmert and #AskJameis have predictably turned into a cesspool of hilarious trolling, because by inviting the general public to ask you questions, you’re kind of asking to be fucked with.
The Worcester Police Department Internal Affairs did one of these Q&A’s on Facebook today. Predictably it had hilarious consequences. Here’s what they put up:
And here are some of the OUTSTANDING questions posed by the general public:
OK, first of all, I’ve never met Deb Powers. But I can already read her like a book. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume we’re looking at your average upper-middle class, college professor type who brings their laptop to Starbucks, distrusts all police, and goes to lengths to alleviate the guilt they have about being born white. Because only a narcissistic dooshnozzle phrases a question like this. Basically this whole question could’ve been summed up with, “If I make a complaint (which I have many times before and will many times in the future) will everyone else in my community find out when you determine that my complaint is bullshit?” But aggregate, outcomes, and disseminated make you sound learned. And being learned is your contribution to society. Was I right? Let’s check out her Facebook posts:
Ding, ding, ding!!!! We have a winner!! As a person of color (white is a color) I agree that we need to examine ways in which I am racist for simply being alive and white. That’s what this quote means.
Anyway, here’s another gem:
Is this a real question? Does this person really need to ask the police on Facebook what the answer to this is? Because I can’t tell if she’s just trolling this page or not. I mean, what exactly did she think the answer would be when she asked what a citizen should do when being stopped by the fuzz? Drive away and run over an elderly person? Offer them a bong rip? Tell them about the giant dump you took that morning? I’m just struggling to imagine a way in which a grown adult doesn’t know the answer to this question.
Here’s a classic inquiry:
I’m sure everything about this story is 100% accurate. Let met get this story straight. His tenant has a problem with her boyfriend so she calls the cops. Three of them show up. Then for whatever reason Jim Cutting’s mom shows up out of left field. She is a “mother of one,” presumably Jim Cutting himself. Then, inexplicably the police tell her “not to call the fucking police again” because “it was not THERE problem.” He knows this because he was eavesdropping from his third floor apartment. Of course he would’ve intervened and stood up for his mother of one (who may or may not have been the tenant with the boyfriend dispute) but he
had an irrational fear knew that he would have been told to “shut his fucking mouth or we’ll take you downtown.”
I’m sure that’s definitely exactly how it happened. Gotta love his question at the end too – “What’s the standard practice of officers with speaking to a citizen?” I mean, what are the police gonna say to this question? “The standard practice is actually for the police to tell your mother to shut the fuck up. It’s the first thing we learn in the academy. So they did their job, except they forgot to tell her to go fuck herself.”
This question kind of fits into this category too:
Yes Abigail, that’s EXACTLY what they’re supposed to be doing. Slapping your girlfriend’s ass while simultaneously speeding is standard protocol for most police officers. Why just the other day I was driving on Park Ave and this cop drives by me with his girlfriend’s bare ass facing him in the driver’s seat. He spanked her at least five times in this very public setting. When will this madness end? This scourge of drive by spankings is out of control!! I’ve never seen so much spanking in my life, and I’ve been to strip clubs in Singapore!!
This one right here was one of my favorites:
Yea I know right? The police get to use fractions, and here I am using percents and decimals like an IDIOT!! Every time I try to use 3/4 instead of 75% I get another freaking ticket!! And that’s a FRACT!!!
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Arthur Gonyea is asking why cops don’t get arrested for the same things that average citizens do. Ummmm, how did he think this question would be answered? “Ya see Arthur, we’re the police so we get to bang hookers and spank their asses while driving WAYY over the speed limit because we’re 5-0 and you are not. Hope this clears things up.”
I was gonna ask the police a question that’s been on my mind for quite some time. Luckily for me Patricia Wade asked for me:
Now that’s a GFQ right there. Because when I go out I hate leaving my cobra at home. He just sits there and gets bored. Sometimes you just gotta go to Big Y with a giant snake around your shoulders. These situations are unavoidable.
Then Chris Dolat chimed in with one of his many really, really good questions:
Chris, luckily for you average citizens are actually overseers of the justice system, and we can arbitrarily decide what is an appropriate punishment for criminals better than people who went to law school and passed the bar. If you don’t like the punishments that judges are handing out it’s really quite simple what you do next. First you have to poop into a paper bag. Then you go to the judge’s house and you light it on fire. Then you ring the door bell and run away. The rest takes care of itself. That should fix em good. You think they’re gonna be handing out probation and second chances if they have think it will end up with poop on their brand new shoes? Fat chance.
The police quickly responded to his question and pointed out that police are paid to arrest, not prosecute individuals. This was apparently not the answer he was looking for…
Ya see Chris, the word “appointed” means that you don’t have a say. That’s why they’re appointed. If we had a say then they would be referred to as “elected officials” and in that case they’d most likely be a million times bigger dingbats than any wacky liberal judge.
Leeann Curran-Letorneau had a traffic-related question:
Leeann is my worst nightmare while trying to navigate through the Hope Ave rotary. First of all, let’s just state something that everyone knows – that is the dumbest and most pointless fucking rotary ever. There was absolutely nothing wrong with that intersection and it was intentionally created to cause traffic by a professional asshole.
But drivers like Leeann who don’t understand the very simple concept of what a rotary is, are the worst people on the road by far. Like, there is nothing worse then being behind some nudnik who keeps hitting their breaks throughout their entire drawn out ordeal inside that rotary.
Most importantly, Leeann is obviously lying. The yield sign that people on Webster Street have means that they have to let you go if you’re already in the rotary. You don’t have to stop for them and that’s not why you were pulled over. The “failure to yield” warning was given because you failed to yield when it was your turn to enter the rotary. Instead of letting the cars go who had the right of way, you barreled into the rotary like a lunatic. Then you got pulled over. Hope this helps answer your question Leeann.
Our girl Lisa had an ingenious idea to fix the world’s problems too:
Can the police fundraise to get extra money so crackheads and gangbangers can get jobs? Yea, the police are actually one step ahead of you Lisa. As we speak they are planning a community bake sale/bikini car wash for next weekend. Hope that clears things up!!
Another Lisa had this to ask:
Ummm, is this a real last name? Kucka-bolognia? She’s named after poop and sandwich meat? Which one is her maiden name? Did she marry a guy named bolognia? If so why did she wanna hang onto the surname of “Kucka?” Seems like something you’d wanna ditch the first chance you got it. And now her brand new car is broken? I’d say this poor lady has been through enough kucka already.
So of course when you have a dispute with your local Ford dealership the correct course of action is to wait until the police hold an AMA session on Facebook for an hour. Oh yea, and make sure you ask your question several hours AFTER the session has ended. Questions like this are giving me a million times more respect for the job that police do every day. I used to think getting shot is the worst thing that could happen to a police officer. It turns out answering questions like this is much, much worse.
But the real star of the show was Kris Bethiaume, who asked this question about police response time:
An hour? That doesn’t seem right. What’s the story Kris?
This post is just so glorious. I have friends that are cops in the middle of nowhere Western MA. This is 99% of the stories they have. Just your average trailer park domestic incident. No big deal. It’s truly shocking that Kris here would ever need to summon the police to a trailer park. Those places are bastions of law-abiding, cultured individuals. Also, considering that he lives in a trailer park, I am SHOCKED that this is who he prefers for music according to Facebook:
Because when I think of trailer parks, the LAST thing that comes to my mind is country music and white trash.
Kris was just minding his own business cooking up some coon and squirrel when the teen mom from the trailer next door started beating the shit out of her boyfriend Shane from Webster’s hot rod. So he calls the Worcester cops like any normal citizen would. Not once, not twice, but three times!! Finally he calls the Auburn police as a last resort. Meanwhile the next thing you know trailers are being lit on fire everywhere you look. Nice going Worcester PD!!!
But there’s something a little strange about this story. Why would the Auburn Police respond so fast to a call in Worcester? Why would the Worcester Police not respond to THREE phone calls from a WORCESTER resident? Well, let’s look at Kris’ Facebook profile:
Hmmmm. I’m confused. So he lives in Worcester, but he’s FROM Auburn, AND he MOVED TO Auburn? Am I missing something here? How can you move from Auburn, to Auburn, and claim residency in Worcester? Well, I know of exactly one trailer park in the vicinity of both Auburn and Worcester. It’s on Route 20. So I looked at a map of Worcester:
And I know the trailer park is right around the corner from the Greenwood Street plaza with the Price Chopper. Let’s zoom in and see exactly where it’s located.
Ya see that darker shaded section of the map Kris? That’s Worcester. Ya see Windbrook Drive? That’s where your trailer park is. As you can see, it is in Auburn. Auburn is not the same thing as Worcester. As a matter of fact it is a completely different municipality. You pay property taxes on this beautiful piece of property
and those taxes do in face fund public services…….for the town of Auburn!! This might explain why the Auburn police responded to your call and the Worcester Police did not. It’s kind of like ordering pizza outside of the delivery zone. You might want that pizza really, really badly from Boomers, but you’re gonna have to settle for Freshway because they’re the only ones who will deliver to you.
So yea, this was fantastic afternoon entertainment today. I’d like to ask the Worcester Police to please do this more often. There are some magnificent thoughts traveling through the minds of Worcester folk everywhere and I wanna see them in all their glory.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.